it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
