pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
