the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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