I skipped work to stalk him.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
