rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
