So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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