Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
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I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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