So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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