You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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