don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
