Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
