I faked an abortion last night.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
