You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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