I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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