my phone needs a breathalizer
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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