low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
