I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
