I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
love makes seman taste better
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
