found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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