thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
