My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize