put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
