Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Shame - the story of my life.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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