My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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