i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
