I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
