ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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