theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
