Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
