Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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