margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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