you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
