The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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