I looked at my own cervix.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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