I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
