if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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