found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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