no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Acid is not a monday night drug
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
