Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My pussy is not your playground.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
