He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
