Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
