I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
