and you said cock pushups were impossible
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
