I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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