u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
