my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
