I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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