I will die if light touches me.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
