I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
