I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
