i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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