actually, I'm a sock model
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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