hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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