Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
