It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
