his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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