I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
