so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
