I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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