Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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